i guess that i expected it, really. mm sent me a package. two cd's and a dvd. the cd's are great. brian setzer and big bad voodoo daddy. yummy stuff. i listened them both for most of the day. he also sent franco zefferali's 1968 version of romeo and juliet. so yummy. i've watched it already. i wish that he hadn't sent the box. it reminds me that he does care. not that i didn't know that he does, but i don't think i needed to be reminded. i really want to be his friend, and i'm not sure i can. i'm still going to try.

today i found an online magazine called knitty. they have lots of good tips, including a section on blocking. i really need to block my cable knit sweater. it is lovely, but a bit too short. she said she was able to get 4 inches of lenght out of a sweater. WOW! that is a ton! give it a look!

missey andrea has suggested that i use this dating site... jane mag personals. ok, one, i'm a bit old for that, don't you think? and two, i haven't read jane since rem had a flexie record in it. then jane left jane, and it wasn't any fun anymore. now it is just like seventeen. not for me. i'm way too old for that. how something between that and aarp (which comes to my house every month for my mother). that might be a bit better.

jennifer, an old friend from aspect, is pregnant. she was pregnant when i worked at aspect, but she had a miscarriage. she is 5 months pregnant now, and she looks very healthy. i saw her at my weekly dinner with missey andrea. misseys mom joined us. they both bought something, and i didn't. not for lack of trying, but nothing looked interesting to me. so i said, forget it, and didn't spend a dime.

so i sent a pretty bad email to mm last night. i'm very frustrated with the dating thing. ok, i'm going out of my mind. i don't really know what to do, or how to handle it. i'm eating and eating and eating. bad, bad, bad. having a hard time with everything. how do i convince a guy that i am worth his time with a picture and a few words? this so sucks. i'm sorry mm... you didn't need that email.

as you recall from the previous week, i joined match.com. not one boy has written to me. not one. i've written to 3, only one responded... and then he has yet to respond again. i'm thinking that this is a waste of my cash. there is this other one that i have been frequenting called bbwsinglesnetwork or something, and atleast the men send me little notes telling me that i look interesting. but still. it seems a bit smarmy to me. like these guys could be praying on "fat chicks". the question of the hour is, am i a fat chick. i think that i am between a fat chick and an average chick. and that my picture really isn't as good as i think it is. i've asked mm's advice, we shall see what he says. if he says anything. i'm sure it will not be easy for him to talk about this. i'm sure that he would rather be the object of my affection, like he isn't. i can only tell him so many times that i wish things were different. they aren't they can't be. that is it. :( i'd really like to f**k him right now. i'm so wanting a man. it's not even funny.

boring, boring, boring... no offer letter yet, not enough to do, yucky. sheri is still avoiding me. i'm sure that isn't going to end soon... and i'm talking to mm... but that does make me smile, as does looking at my picture of deke on the wall. he did kinda ruin the mystic when he kissed his girlfriend. but, i've decided that i'm just not going to let it bug me. he is allowed to have a girlfriend, right? going home to the puppies is not very appealing, but i know that daisy is missing me like mad. i locked her up with them. bummer for her, but i think they like that. if, however, they have pee-ed on my floor yet again, that is the end of their freedom.