today was my first official holiday for the state of california. cesar chavez day. i think it is interesting that we got today off. we also got martin luther king day off, but that is different. when you tell people that it is cesar chavez day, and thus it is a paid holiday for you, they kinda get irritated. i think i'm just lucky to have a state job. i went shopping with miss anne-a-belle today. she is so pregnant! i am so jealous. i would love to be pregnant, have a husband and a house and the whole picket fence sort of thing. it is just not to be, and that, i guess is going to have to be fine. i think mm saw me today, mar seemed to think so too. i looked really good today. my cute new dress from old navy in red. i wore my white sandles, which i just adore. very cute, hair up in sticks, yet again. i felt very good about myself. i do hope he saw me. just for the torment factor. kisses for you mm, again for the torment factor.

dating really sucks. meeting new people sucks. it has been so long since i have been on a date, and now i remember why. i absolutely hate it. i hate having to start conversations, i hate having to think of interesting questions, i hate trying to make myself look appealing. i shouldn't have taken mar and tire mans advice. i should have gone home and changed. i should have worn a dress. i didn't i wore shorts and a rugby shirt. yes, i did look cute, but not first date kind of cute. he didn't even walk me to my car. that was kind of rude. no, it was rude. i'm still a girl, walking to my car alone. it was rude. we saw the pianist. what a great movie. now, that was worth it. the movie was worth it. i just wish i understood why my date didn't think i was worthy of a walk to my car.

so, now i've decided that being impatient was bad. i should give people a chance to get back to me. i'm just so tired of being by myself. it's hard. i want to expand my horizons, but i want to do it right now! i'm chatting with a guy, whom i think is chatting with someone else. that's ok. i can blog. i don't care anyway, do i? you know i care. that is the problem with me, i need to be the damn center of attention. ok, that's not true either. i don't need to be the center of attention, i just would like to be once in a while. i think i've found out who my lah guy is. i've asked him if i'm right. we shall see. kisses for mm, cause i'm not allowed to talk to him anymore.

today is day two of brio training. i feel like i've been here before, but i know i haven't. it was crystal training, when i worked at amd. i'm getting some very basic information today, nothing really exciting, but hopefully i will get to use some of it. you never know. i can't wait for tonight's sabercats game. i think i'm going to wear my dress. i really don't care. i just have to be careful not to flash the camera guy. kirk wants me to do something with him this weekend. not that he would plan anything. but going to the beach does sound fun. boo's first baseball day is tomorrow. i just might do that, if i do nothing else. i am available for dating, if you would like to pull me away from my non existant plans.

i think that online dating has got to be one of the most degrading things i have ever put myself through. i have a profile, and i added a picture, i even posted it on a site that "caters" to larger women. yet, i've sent over 10 emails in the past 2 days, and i've only had one response. one. that's it. what the hell is wrong with my picture? i just don't get it. i never thought i was ugly. i always thought that i was pretty, at least i hoped i was. now, i'm not so sure. mm used to tell me how absolutely strong i was. i used to tell him it was bullshit. i just wanted to believe that he was right. i am strong. really, i am. but this just sucks. they give you an option to tell someone that you are interested. i wrote to guys that said they were interested in me. do you think they could spare a minute to write back? HELLO? why would they possibly want to do that? and i hate that i can tell if they have read the note. i kind of wish that i didn't know. then i could blame it on the web interface. i know that i'm not a small girl. yes, i wear an xl at old navy. i don't have to shop at lane bryant anymore (unless i want to). i still need to lose weight, but i've been working out just about every day. so what is the problem? why can't guys get past the fact that some people don't take the best pictures? why won't they take a minute to get to know you, even though that is what they claim to want to do? i just don't understand what is so very wrong with me... ok, that's enough ppp... i'm going to bed.

for the first 2 months or so that i was at sjsu, i just adored it. i so missed working and i really liked the people. i felt like i was really starting to fit in someplace. then winter session hit. i had a blast. i worked everyday, i had lunch with the group almost every day, and i had my carpool. i felt such a part of this wonderful team. i don't feel that way anymore. i feel like high school. like it is a popularity contest. since i've never been a "popular" person, it has never occured to me to try and get into the race. i haven't had a lunch date with the group since february. yes, the beginning of february. i ask, don't get me wrong, but i've not had a yes answer once. now, it is starting to affect how we handle internal customers. you know, i want to be a part of a well oiled machine. a team who enjoys each others company, and works well together. sometimes we are individual contributors, sometimes we all bring our efforts together for the good of the department. but, these people don't seem to know what a team is. and it appears that i am to be the person to "make the team". i'm just not sure how to do it. so, tuesday (monday is cesar chavez day and a holiday at sjsu), i begin my new project, operation teamwork. i'm going to call a meeting of the three of us, to discuss report requests. how we should handle them, and then develop a process to ensure that the reports are generated in a timely and professional manner. can you say, i'm going to kick some high school butt? if you have any good ideas on how to help me get through this meeting, please, please let me know... just leave a comment!

i have a set of q cards. i actually think i own two, one trashed set, and one brand new set. i just love them. i read three cards just about every morning, just to see what they say. i got my favorite card yesterday, "dearest wish comes true". i wonder, what is my dearest wish? do you think it can come true, if i don't know what it is? i'm just not sure. i'd like to think so... the quest is now on to discover what my dearest wish really is. i'm thinking that it is marriage and children, but i might be setting my sights entirely too high. it does however say, my dearest wish, so there you have it. right now, that is what i'd like to have. hey! i was looking out on zolo's site, and they have q cards for you to play with! so, go find out what your q cards say!